Open training material
2023, revised 2026
Scope
Why criticism is hard to hear, how to receive it well, and how to give feedback that lands.
Use
Read it as a page, or present it full screen. The full text is the article Feedback That Lands.
Contents
Chapter 01
“Feedback is your relationship with the world and the world’s relationship with you; it’s how you impact others, for better or worse. So it’s all around you—the question is just whether you’re paying attention to it.”
The principle
Skilled people make feedback a positive experience. Everyone leaves feeling valued, even when the input is challenging.
Feedback is a gift
When you pick a gift for your partner or your best friend, you think about what is right, wrap it, and write a thoughtful card. A comment thrown over your shoulder as you leave a meeting will not help anyone grow.
Chapter 02
02 Receiving it well
Negativity bias
Negative experiences have a bigger psychological impact on us than positive experiences of the same size.
In practice
However often you hear good things about your work, the one time it went wrong is the one that sticks.
So what
The good parts need more effort to reinforce. And critical feedback needs more care to land.
“Receiving feedback does not mean I am the worst person ever. It only means someone cares enough to tell me how to improve.”
Five stages
Step 01 of 05
Listen
Unless you are a surgeon or a bomb defuser, feedback rarely needs action in the moment.
Clarify
Ask for real-world examples until you understand what the person means.
Thank
Even if you did not like it. Thanking is not agreeing, and it buys you time.
Active listening
Empathetic understanding
I understand what you are saying, what you mean, and how you feel.
Listening is not agreeing
I listen to understand your point of view, not to accept it.
Ready to listen
No phone, no laptop, no distractions.
Step 02 of 05
Keep it in proportion
Feedback is only one facet of who you are, and it can be inaccurate or biased.
Ask yourself
Did I ask for it? Who gave it, and how do they relate to my work?
Check what it is about
Is it about how I do something, or about how I am? Being told to be a different person is not much help.
Step 03 of 05
Ask trusted colleagues, sponsors, mentors, and peers whether they recognise the behaviour. Then you are not changing on the strength of one person’s view.
Step 04 of 05
The goal
What is the goal, and what will change once I reach it?
The way there
What are the steps along the way, and who can support me?
The proof
How will I measure my progress, and how will I celebrate it? Without a plan, a goal is only an idea.
Step 05 of 05
Unless the feedback turned out to be poor or biased, tell the person what you made of it, even if you decided not to act on it. They learn their input was considered, and they are more likely to give feedback again.
“We can’t just sit back and wait for feedback to be offered, particularly when we’re in a leadership role. If we want feedback to take root in the culture, we need to ask for it explicitly.”
Chapter 03
After Kim Scott, Radical Candor
Care personally
Ruinous empathy
You care but do not challenge. Vague praise, sugar-coated criticism, or silence.
Radical Candor
You care personally and challenge directly.
Manipulative insincerity
You do neither. Flattery to someone’s face, harsh criticism behind their back.
Obnoxious aggression
You challenge but do not show you care. Brutal honesty.
Challenge directly
Saying the difficult thing
Most of us were told as children to say nothing if we have nothing nice to say. Then we become the boss, and saying the difficult thing is suddenly the job. Share your view directly, and humbly.
Ground rules, 1 of 2
Ground rules, 2 of 2
Tone of voice
Observe
Neutral observations, kept apart from interpretation and judgement.
Feel
Your feelings, kept apart from reasons and interpretation.
Need
The deeper motive behind the feeling.
Request
Clear, concrete, and feasible, with no demand hidden inside.
Structure
Event
What was the situation?
Action
What behaviour did you observe?
Result
What was the impact or consequence?
Next steps
Which behaviours should continue, and which should change?
E.A.R.N. in practice
Tips, 1 of 2
Tips, 2 of 2
Examples, 1 of 4
Say this
Describe what happened
“I feel like you’re not listening to me when you finish my sentences for me. You did that a few times when we were talking about the project plan. I’d prefer to finish what I’m saying before you add your points.”
Not this
Judge or label
“You are autocratic.” “You are inflexible.” Even “You are creative” is a label. Look at what the person does or says instead.
Examples, 2 of 4
Say this
Name the impact
“It’s frustrating for me to lose valuable time with you: if you arrive late, we can’t discuss everything we aimed for. We need to get this right, because the team needs a good decision from us.”
Not this
Try to change them
“This is precisely what caused the trouble last time. If you could work early shifts, we could meet at 7 am, and this would be solved.”
Examples, 3 of 4
Say this
Be clear about the ask
“The whole team needs to understand the impact of wide-screen on our future development plans. I’ve noticed that you haven’t kept your team up to date on this. So you should include wide-screen updates in all your team meetings.”
Not this
Stay vague
“Well, it’s pretty obvious what’s going wrong here.”
Examples, 4 of 4: ask first
“Can I talk to you about the start of our meeting today? Would you like to hear some feedback and my ideas? I’d like us to get more out of our meetings.”
Chapter 04
Practice
It gets easier the more you practise, and the more trust a team has. A healthy team gives feedback broadly and often, and receives it the same way.
Walk the talk
How you react to feedback is as important as your openness to it. What you do with it says a lot about your potential.
Restraint
Chapter 05
Skilled people make feedback a positive experience. Everyone leaves feeling valued, even when the input is challenging.
One sticky note for every other person in the group
Dear [name].
One thing I appreciate most about you is […].
One thing I would like to see more of is […].
How it works
Write
Five minutes. Address each note, complete both sentences, and sign it. Keep it short.
Share
One by one, read your notes out loud and hand each one to the person it is for.
Thank
The person receiving each note says: “Thank you for your feedback.”
References
Closing
The full text is the article Feedback That Lands. The slides are open source under CC BY-NC-SA 4.0: use them, adapt them, and share them alike.
Read the article Download the PDF Source on GitHub niklausgerber.com